Saturday, not even 48 hours later

Well, he is gone, on a train west, just like all those pioneers of yesteryear. A dark, rainy, foggy drive up north to the station, and a wife wanting to get home to bed. I didn't want it to ever end, I didn't want him to ever leave. My insides tore at my self, fighting every urge to go grab him back, to hold on longer. God will I miss having his mug around. 18 years and a month or two have sure burned his life into mine.
My wife knew enough Friday to acknowledge that when I opened the refrigerator door and saw the almost empty 2% milk, I'd probably start crying....only the 5 or 6th time that day. Not bad.
Today I did my usual saturday morn grocery store visit, which I've been doing since pre-kids. Of course, for many years they always went with me. Not now. I lasted until about the banannas until the tears came; one of my friends at the deli got 'it', when I could barely talk and breathe; so many ares that just slayed me. the tortellinis were probably the hardest, I'll never see them again w/out thinking of him.
Wife off to her volunteer work for most of the day- me, I'm just lost, wondering about. Too cold to this, not hot enough for that. I wrote a note to family saying this is like being in a 'forced retirement' after having LOVED your job for over 21 years. I guess the better part is that I know both boys are doing what they are suposed to eb doing; I know God holds them in his/ her hands; I know the wife and I still love each other and will have fun w/ the enxt book of our lives...However, now I am sad. I earned the right to feel this, and now I'm trying to let it milk me for all I'm worth. Its gotta get better.

Curmudgeon start

Nothing like waking up to 'we're an American band' blaring you up at 6 A.M., after having been woken up at 2 A.M. by the 18 year old- did I mention he hasn't left yet for his gap year? - calling about something, that I can't even remember. Ah well, off to the local pool for daily lap swimming, and more fun- the aerobics class is deep into 'La bamba', Springsteen, etc. My spiritual repast is ruined....bitch, bitch, moan moan. Did I mention that a week from today we will officially be 'empty nesters'? No, probably not yet, because frankly, I am mostly deep in pre-grief anxiety. I'm no where near 'it'll get better' lines, it is only getting worse.